“I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. Oh, you’re a king you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications!” – Mitch Hedberg
“I am definitely going to watch the Emmy’s this year… my makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects. The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.”– Joan Rivers
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” – George Carlin
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met… If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you… Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.” – Steven Wright
“Madonna said we should pull our troops out of Iraq. Donald Rumsfled said, “No, I think we’d better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first.” – Jay Leno
