~ I’ve learned: When you get older, who cares? I don’t mince words, I don’t hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It’s been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I’ve never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I’d use it as toilet paper. My gardener Jose is invited — he asks me to bring him his sombrero to clean it for him.~ I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.
~ Had a friend who is going through menopause come by for lunch today. Her hot flash was so bad, it steam-cleaned my carpet
~ You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
~ At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
~ I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
~ There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.—I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
~ I’ve learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you’re working with, when the chips are down, it’s all about business. He loved me, loved me, loved me, and I left his show very honorably to do my own show. Then the minute I was competition for him, he cut me off at the knees. He said I never called him, and it followed me for 10 years. I would go on a set, and people would say, “We heard you were terrible to work with.” It was NBC who did that to me. I’ve never done Jay Leno, but I’m sort of glad about that. He wouldn’t know what to do with someone funny.
~ The funniest [writer] in person but rather boring on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear one more time: ‘How many czars does it take to change a light bulb? None; they didn’t have them in those days,’ I think I’ll scream!
~ The book I wish I’d never written is Joan Rivers’s Pop-Up Guide to Gynecology.
~ Fitz Jerraboam